A Family That Works Together Stays Together

My favorite chore to do growing up was the dishes. Something about my hands in soapy warm water and the rhythmic motion of cleaning, rinsing and drying them that was very calming. It was also a time for my imagination was free to wander. I remember pretending to be a Cinderella like character more than once. However, my favorite times was when I was washing the dishes with someone. It was my Grandma who first taught me how to wash dishes when I was no more than four. I also remember doing them with my Dad and my older brothers. It is a time to talk, a time to laugh and a time to do something together. Cleaning and doing tasks can really bring members of a family together.

And that is one of the reasons I want my children to do chores. Not just so that they learn how to cook and clean for the time when they leave the home but also so they bond over completing a task.

This idea is by no means original. In fact it is an ancient as Adam and Eve. For many years members of a family worked side by side in order to raise the crops and livestock they needed to survive. A mother working with her husband. Children working with their parents and with each other. All fulfilling their contribution to the family.

Then the industrial age hit. Men were sent out of the homes in order to earn the money his family needed to buy supplies. Separating him from his wife and children for twelve or more hours a day. His wife was not there to help him with his work nor him at home to help with home and children. As the industrial age grew, the family became more separated as woman and children were employed as well. Each working long hours. Things have continued to shift back and forth over the years. Child labor laws finally put a stop to children working in the factories but now children are in school for a good portion of the day. Then there is the numerous activities that children become involved in. More and more mothers, whether for money or other means of fulfillment, are working outside the home.

I am not saying that a woman’s place is in the home or that children’s schooling is not important or they should not participate in extracurricular activities. What I am saying is that we need to ensure we create opportunities, wherever possible to work together and play together.

Here are some ideas that I came up with during our discussion in class that I feel could be very useful.

1) Is the job best for the family

Yes I know this is not always something that can be choose. Money is what the world revolves and functions on these days and to be part of many societies money is needed. Some cannot choose their job, or their hours. But for those you can, ask yourself what the job is for? Who is it for?

2) Take some time in every week to discuss how chores and other tasks should be distributed and how they get done.

Children need an opportunity to make decisions, starting from small things and then larger ones as they get older. They also need to feel some measure of control in their lives. Having a family council and asking for their input and considering their ideas and having them come up with possible solutions fulfill those needs. It is also another time period to do things together.

3) Allow children to help in the kitchen

I have yet to meet few young children who were not interested in cooking. They want to help pour things, to stir things. Letting a child help you cook provides an excellent time for them to practice fine motor skills and you a chance to talk and interact.

4) Be patient

When learning how to do a chore children will not always do it right or quickly. Continue to provide them aide until 6 or 7 so they can see how it is done but don’t do it for them or it makes them loose interest and make them feel inadequate.

5) Make time

We only have our children for a few short years before they leave the house and even shorter time than that when we have the most influence on them. We need to treasure those moments while they are here. To take joy in doing tasks rather than just getting through them.

That is all for today. Hope you found some useful information

Sapphire

Say What You Need to Say

I cannot remember when I first heard the song Say What You Need to Say by John Mayer (I actually just had to look up the musician because I had no idea). But I do remember doing a endurance run in high school and my teacher putting it up as we were running around and around and around the gym. Maybe it was the fact that I was listening to it while was I doing so physically exhausting or maybe it is just the song but I discovered that the song was annoying. However I get a good laugh every time it comes one because when it gets to the seemingly endless repetition of the phrase "Say what you need to say" I will always, inevitable say. "I would if you would shut up long enough."

Yeah I know, maybe not the most mature response, but hey, take the laughs were you can.

In many ways I feel communication goes like this for many people. We get so caught up in saying what we need to say that we forget to not only listen to others but also to strive to understand. One of the top reasons for marriage problems is because of centered around or caused by lack of good, healthy communication. Now I won't dwell too much on that part because we are intimately aware of such difficulties, however I will put forward some of the ideas we discussed that I think would really help people communicate.

The first point is to keep in mind that only 14% of our communication is coming through actual words that are processed and heard. The rest is communicated through nonverbal cues such as body language and tone. You could be saying one thing while your body and tone says something completely different. I am sure many of you had heard the classic response of someone saying "I am fine," when their manner says they are anything but. I feel this is not only important for us to look for in others so we can see past the words but also that we can watch out own. Communication is hard enough without us saying or sending messages we don't mean. To take that song line from earlier I would suggest we need to say what we mean to say.

Second, the way you say or communicate your points is only half of the process. The other person receiving and processing that message is the other half. You can convey a message in the exact way that you meant to but unless the other person interprets it that way, they will receive a different message. Part of this is because, just as your thoughts and feelings affect the way you communicate, the other persons thoughts and feelings will affect how they interpret the message. For example "dork' is a common phrase that my family and I use as an endearing term. To us it is a loving and humorous label for someone who is being funny and silly. However, as I have discovered over recent years, to other people the term means something completely different and has a negative connotation. Talk about oops. This interpretation process can often cause miscommunication.

Which leads me into my third point that we discussed in class. The value of summarizing or paraphrasing what the other person back at them. In other words give them your interpretation of their words and also ask for their interpretation of your words. This might seem awkward at first but I think you will find it really helps to make sure that you and the person you are communicating with are on the same page.

Fourth, we need to become attentive listeners, and watchers. When someone is talking pay attention to what they are saying. Not one what you want to say back or jumping to conclusions. Rather really pay attention to what they are saying as well as watch what their body language and tone are telling you.

Finally, I would like to emphasis the importance of communicating to the other that you understood. People want and need intimacy with others and part of that intimacy comes from the knowledge that you are understood and appreciated. Let people know when you understand what they are feeling and thinking and empathize with them.

This is not always easy, especially since after so many arguments and miscommunication things tend to escalate quickly. We can sometimes get caught up in our desire and need to be understood that we don't consider that same need in others. Sometimes it takes one brave soul out of the two to step forward and strive to understand first in order to break the cycle before the two of you can start to communicate properly.

That is it for now. I could really go into the topic of online communication and all the issues we run into there buuuuuuuuut, I feel that is a whole other topic we could discuss for a while.

Thank you for reading,
Sapphire

No More Sex Education....We Need Relationship Education

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying we need to do away with sex education. I think it is important that teenagers learn about sex safety and responsibility.  However we need to take it a step further. Along with sex education we need to have relationship education. We need to let children and teenagers know what good, healthy relationships look like. How to maintain good relationships. Ways to express affection without having to turn to the extreme of sex. And the funny thing is, this can start at a fairly young age.

Of course I am not suggesting we give toddlers early elementary schoolers “The Talk” But there are ways that you can teach them about human relationships. But young children are sponges. They are constantly observing and absorbing everything from the world around them. They will pick up on things quite easily. So it should come as little surprise that they start noticing the differences between girls and boys. Not only can they see it there is plenty evidence to support that females and males are wired differently. Even infants, who had had next to know influence from the world on gender roles, show differences in behavior. We need to be open with children about the differences and not brush it aside. Also don’t overreact when children discover parts of their or other bodies. If you freak out, they will freak out and it will make them more likely to dwell on it. Instead address it calmly and inform them about what is appropriate and what is not in a way that they will understand.

However, at this stage, I think the most important thing we can do for our children is developing warm, respectful, close and loving relationships with our children. I don’t know about you but I would much rather my child come to me when they have a questions about sex or other important matters rather than the internet or their friends. If we develop close relationships with them when they are young, investing in a bank account of trust, and work to maintain that relationship. They are for more likely to come to us when they have questions than if there is a strained relationship.

As they get older teach them how to build good relationships with friends. Learning to cooperate with them, to talk and communicate, to be reliable and have trust, are all important parts of any relationships. The best way to teach this, or any principle, is through your own example. Letting your children see how you keep good relationships with other people.

Let them know how to treat others well and what behavior is and is not okay for people to treat them.

As they get older and start become more interested in deeper relationships then it is time to move a step up. Usually a little bit before. Again be open with them. Let them know before they puberty some of the things they will be experiencing so they are not taken off guard or worried about it. Teach them how to set boundaries, for themselves and for others.

There was one thing in our class reading that I would like to end with. Is the formula for success. Thousands of studies show that individuals are far more likely to live happy, fulfilled, successful lives if they follow a simple formula. Education, marriage, sex, children. In that order. Teen mothers and fathers are far more likely to struggle financially if they have a child out of wed lock. A mother who has a child out of wed lock is a lot less likely to be married. An education, even if just finishing high school, is far better than no education. Though it is becoming an increasingly old fashioned and unpopular idea the best way to guarantee that there are no children outside of wedlock is to wait until you are married. Every child has the right to be born in a family with a mother and father who love each other, love the child and are committed to their family.