The Step Challenge

No, this is not some blog post about one of the numerous battles to lose weight and have better health. Today’s blog is about step-families.

I was pretty young when I was first presented with the reality that not everyone came from a traditional family. I cannot remember if it was a play or some other production that the local high school was putting on. In front of us sat a familiar woman, my school lunch lady. A very happy, older woman with a sweet personality who know me by name and always gave me a smile. Next to her, in the seat right in front of me was a girl about my age. I ended up talking to her and found out she called the woman Mom even though the woman looked the same age as my grandma and the man sitting on the little girls other side, who looked the same age as my grandpa, she called dad. Now, not being a very tactful and very inquisitive child I did not hesitate to ask about it and the girl explained they were her grandma and grandpa but they were the ones who took care of her and so, to her, they were Mom and Dad. It blew my mind and I am sure I thoroughly embarrassed my parents as I continued to bombard her with an endless stream of personal questions about her “real” parents.

Though I am more than a little chagrinned looking back on the incident I am still grateful for it. It was the first time that my idea of family was challenged. Making me realize that “family” could mean something more than biological parents and siblings. Of course I hardly grasped the concept then but when I did I would always think back at that time.

With every passing year a set definition of family has become more and more vague. There are many kinds of families. Grandparents raising their grandchild or grandchildren. A mother raising her children alone. A man raising his children alone. Two men. Two women. Parents who adopted their child. Older siblings raising their younger siblings. The list is endless. Another type of family that has become increasingly common and was part of our discussion in class this week was the blended family. Step families. Mixed families.

Clifford J. Sager in his book called “Treating the Remarried Family,” defines the remarried family as one or both of the partners in the relationship having been married previously. We spent a brief period of time mapping different types of remarried family and it becomes complicated very quickly. Especially when there are children involved. Often times there are more than two sets of grandparents and extended family. Then there are step parents, parents, siblings, step siblings and half siblings.

Still, despite the complications and challenges that a step family often faces does not mean they cannot be as close and functional as any other family. In class we discussed a couple points that can help step families.

One is to have patience. My teacher pointed out that it takes at least 2 years for a blended family to settle into any real sense of normalcy. It takes going through the new daily routines dozens of times before the combined families, who previously had a different way of doing things, to find an avenue that works for both of them. Also there are the holidays and birthdays that need to be gone through at least a couple times before those can feel normal as well.

Another idea we discussed was the role of the step parent. It is not the step parent’s job, nor should it be their job, the deal out the heavy discipline that is sometimes needed throughout the growing years. Because the step children have a tendency to perceive discipline differently from a step parent. Even if the child does not know at the time when they get older and find out they can look back on memories and interpret them differently because of the new knowledge. Another role of the step parent is not to replace the biological parent in some cases but rather be there as another support like a great aunt or uncle.

Finally we discussed that remarried couple’s need to be sure to council with each other even more often than those who have not been divorced. They also need to be committed to each other. A previous marriage and the divorce that ended it can create a lot of baggage that people tend to carry over into their next relationship. If they do not resolve those issues or work through them together than chances are that the new marriage could fail as well.

Well that is all for now, hope you are having a great spring

Keep smiling

Sapphire.

To Spank or Not to Spank

If you look up pretty much any topic related to families most likely you will run into a storm of controversy. In a world that has become so connected through the use of modern technology cultural ways and norms that used to be unknown to others are now public knowledge. So it is unsurprising that you would have a wide range and often opposing views on many issues. Family being only one of them. Spanking and punishment in general is no exception. For a few years now there has been a lot and sometimes outright heated debate about spanking.

I have been able to experience both sides of the controversy first hand. Having come from small town where there were many traditional views, spanking was among them. However there were also new people who moved into the valley and they brought with them new ideas. But only when I truly started working in child care did I receive the knowledge I felt I needed in order to decide where I stood.

For both personal and academic based reasons I do not believe that spanking or other forms of corporal punishment are the best practices to use in order to raise children to the healthy, whole and caring individuals that we all hope them to be. Deep down the idea never set well with me. However I did not have the specific knowledge I needed in order to fully explain why. I still feel there is much I would like to research on the topic but I feel I have learned enough to share my ideas more readily.

Now I do not write this to judge anyone or even try to demand that people think the way I do on the topic. I simply hope to be able to explain what I feel and think. I also hope to prompt others to think more deeply about their own thoughts on the topic so they can research from themselves and form their own opinion. Not my opinion, or the opinions of those they respect or their parents. But their own.

Today I will address why I do not believe spanking to be a good idea and in the future, after doing more research, will provide alternatives to spanking and/or ways to avoid it.

My Research

I went in search of a peer review article that could tell me what the effects of spanking were on children with valid research to back it up. It took me a long time but I finally found an article which took good research and summarized it to make it more understandable. The article was written by Gershoff, Elizabeth T. According to Wikipedia she is a professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas in Austin. She is fairly well known for her research on corporal punishment and its effects on a child’s wellbeing.  There are several ideas she addressed that I found interesting.

The Persistence of Spanking as a Parenting Tool

The world and society is ever changing in many ways. Families and parenting is no exception. Despite the fact that we have left many traditions behind spanking is one of the ones that we cannot seem to shake. Some of the reasons for this is because of tradition and the ideas that the society around us instill. But the main reason that she points out and I have noticed myself is that it is something that our parents used. Parenting is not easy and can be downright frustrating if not downright terrifying. When faced with such a situation parents tend to fall back on what they know. Parenting the way their parents parented.

I have seen this many times and have even experienced it as I have found myself imitating my parents when dealing with young children. In many ways this can be a good thing. A way to preserve family value and tradition. To allow the rising generations to be aware of and proud of their heritage. However we cannot afford to always repeat the past or we become stuck.

A phrase I often hear is “Well my parents spanked and my siblings and I turned out fine. So spanking cannot be all the bad.” I am not satisfied with that. I do not want to raise my children to be as good as me, I want them to be better. Which means being open to new ideas. To look at the ideas that were planted in my childhood and decide what I want to carry on in my own family and what needs to be left behind.

The Effects of Spanking

Spanking is generally done the most during a child’s early years. Typically from ages 1-8 or older depending on the family. From development in the womb to about age five a child’s brain is growing faster than it will at any other point in life. Because of this everything the child experiences profoundly impacts the construction of their brain and their perception of the world. So it should come as little surprise that spanking would also effect the child’s development.

Gershoff outlines some of the effects that I saw from multiple studies.

Intended Effects

Of course parents rarely if ever spank for no reason. I also know that almost all parents are eagerly waiting around for an excuse to spank their child. Spanking is usually a last resort with the hope to create desirable outcomes.

One of the effects parents usually intend with spanking is compliance. Both in the short term and in the long term. They want their children to stop exhibiting some kind of undesirable behavior and start showing more positive traits. One of the most common behaviors that parents hope to eliminate is aggressive behavior toward other children that has been or can be harmful.

However, ironically, the intended effects are not often achieved.

Unintended Effects

In another study I read in the Children & Youth Services Review written by Shawna J. Lee, Catherine A. Taylor, Inna Altschul and Janet C. Riced show that spanking often creates the opposite effect that parents intent. It makes the children more aggressive. Regardless whether it is father or mother inflicting the corporal punishment and often even if mothers had a warm, nurturing nature at other times, children who were spanked would still show more aggression to their peers.

And why wouldn’t they? Children of young ages are just becoming aware of themselves. A stage called egocentrism. They think mainly about their wants and their needs and they encounter many barriers, usually parents that stand in the way of them getting what they want. When parents use force, spanking, in order to make the child do what they want, the child quickly figures out that aggression and control will get them what they want.

There are a few more effects that corporal punishment has that Gershoff points out. Some of them could be harder to accept and are heart breaking.

One is unintended injury and/or abuse to the child. Parents are much stronger than children and sometimes, in a fit of anger or frustration, could hurt the child without meaning too. Despite the many terrible news headlines we read these days rarely is this on purpose but it is a terrible occurrence for all those involved.

Another mental health issues. Studies have shown that “the more frequently or severely children are spanked or hit, the more likely they are to have symptoms of depression or anxiety, both at the time they are corporally punished and in the future.” (Gershoff, 2010) Being spanked is not a pleasant experience for a child and can even be traumatic. They become wary of it happening again and more so if it does.  Spanking also does not give the child the impression that they are loved by the parent and can cause depression.

Which leads into another effect. Spanking can cause a rift in the close and vital bond between a child and their parent or parents. It can erode trust and the security the child feels toward that parent. Making them uncertain and withdrawn.

Conclusion

Much of these findings I was already aware of on some level. Not only have I heard and read bits and pieces of information here and there throughout the years but I have also observed the evidence of it firsthand. What is most heart breaking to me is not the spanking itself but that it is unnecessary. We now have the knowledge and tools that there are other forms of parenting that we can use in order to guide our children to be responsible and caring adults.

I will be writing more on some of these methods later. Until then here are some quick suggestions.

• ·         Take a child development course. Even teenagers who take a child development course long before they become parents to better if they have more knowledge and understand how children’s minds work.
• ·         Before you say or so something to your child ask yourself if it is something you would want done to you.
• ·         Read:

o   No: Why Kids – of All Ages – Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh, PhD and

o   Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

Please feel free to make comments and ask questions which I will do my best to answer.

Keep smiling,

Sapphire

References 

Gershoff, E. T. (2010). MORE HARM THAN GOOD: A SUMMARY OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH ON THE INTENDED AND UNINTENDED EFFECTS OF CORPORAL PUNISHMENT ON CHILDREN. Law & Contemporary Problems, 73(2), 31-56.

Kohn, A. (2006). Unconditional parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason. New York: Atria Books.

Lee, S. J., Taylor, C. A., Altschul, I., & Rice, J. C. (2013). Parental spanking and subsequent risk for child aggression in father-involved families of young children. Children & Youth Services Review, 35(9), 1476-1485. doi:10.1016/j.childyouth.2013.05.016

Walsh, D. A. (2007). No: Why kids--of all ages--need to hear it and ways parents can say it. New York: Free Press.

A Family That Works Together Stays Together

My favorite chore to do growing up was the dishes. Something about my hands in soapy warm water and the rhythmic motion of cleaning, rinsing and drying them that was very calming. It was also a time for my imagination was free to wander. I remember pretending to be a Cinderella like character more than once. However, my favorite times was when I was washing the dishes with someone. It was my Grandma who first taught me how to wash dishes when I was no more than four. I also remember doing them with my Dad and my older brothers. It is a time to talk, a time to laugh and a time to do something together. Cleaning and doing tasks can really bring members of a family together.

And that is one of the reasons I want my children to do chores. Not just so that they learn how to cook and clean for the time when they leave the home but also so they bond over completing a task.

This idea is by no means original. In fact it is an ancient as Adam and Eve. For many years members of a family worked side by side in order to raise the crops and livestock they needed to survive. A mother working with her husband. Children working with their parents and with each other. All fulfilling their contribution to the family.

Then the industrial age hit. Men were sent out of the homes in order to earn the money his family needed to buy supplies. Separating him from his wife and children for twelve or more hours a day. His wife was not there to help him with his work nor him at home to help with home and children. As the industrial age grew, the family became more separated as woman and children were employed as well. Each working long hours. Things have continued to shift back and forth over the years. Child labor laws finally put a stop to children working in the factories but now children are in school for a good portion of the day. Then there is the numerous activities that children become involved in. More and more mothers, whether for money or other means of fulfillment, are working outside the home.

I am not saying that a woman’s place is in the home or that children’s schooling is not important or they should not participate in extracurricular activities. What I am saying is that we need to ensure we create opportunities, wherever possible to work together and play together.

Here are some ideas that I came up with during our discussion in class that I feel could be very useful.

1) Is the job best for the family

Yes I know this is not always something that can be choose. Money is what the world revolves and functions on these days and to be part of many societies money is needed. Some cannot choose their job, or their hours. But for those you can, ask yourself what the job is for? Who is it for?

2) Take some time in every week to discuss how chores and other tasks should be distributed and how they get done.

Children need an opportunity to make decisions, starting from small things and then larger ones as they get older. They also need to feel some measure of control in their lives. Having a family council and asking for their input and considering their ideas and having them come up with possible solutions fulfill those needs. It is also another time period to do things together.

3) Allow children to help in the kitchen

I have yet to meet few young children who were not interested in cooking. They want to help pour things, to stir things. Letting a child help you cook provides an excellent time for them to practice fine motor skills and you a chance to talk and interact.

4) Be patient

When learning how to do a chore children will not always do it right or quickly. Continue to provide them aide until 6 or 7 so they can see how it is done but don’t do it for them or it makes them loose interest and make them feel inadequate.

5) Make time

We only have our children for a few short years before they leave the house and even shorter time than that when we have the most influence on them. We need to treasure those moments while they are here. To take joy in doing tasks rather than just getting through them.

That is all for today. Hope you found some useful information

Sapphire

Say What You Need to Say

I cannot remember when I first heard the song Say What You Need to Say by John Mayer (I actually just had to look up the musician because I had no idea). But I do remember doing a endurance run in high school and my teacher putting it up as we were running around and around and around the gym. Maybe it was the fact that I was listening to it while was I doing so physically exhausting or maybe it is just the song but I discovered that the song was annoying. However I get a good laugh every time it comes one because when it gets to the seemingly endless repetition of the phrase "Say what you need to say" I will always, inevitable say. "I would if you would shut up long enough."

Yeah I know, maybe not the most mature response, but hey, take the laughs were you can.

In many ways I feel communication goes like this for many people. We get so caught up in saying what we need to say that we forget to not only listen to others but also to strive to understand. One of the top reasons for marriage problems is because of centered around or caused by lack of good, healthy communication. Now I won't dwell too much on that part because we are intimately aware of such difficulties, however I will put forward some of the ideas we discussed that I think would really help people communicate.

The first point is to keep in mind that only 14% of our communication is coming through actual words that are processed and heard. The rest is communicated through nonverbal cues such as body language and tone. You could be saying one thing while your body and tone says something completely different. I am sure many of you had heard the classic response of someone saying "I am fine," when their manner says they are anything but. I feel this is not only important for us to look for in others so we can see past the words but also that we can watch out own. Communication is hard enough without us saying or sending messages we don't mean. To take that song line from earlier I would suggest we need to say what we mean to say.

Second, the way you say or communicate your points is only half of the process. The other person receiving and processing that message is the other half. You can convey a message in the exact way that you meant to but unless the other person interprets it that way, they will receive a different message. Part of this is because, just as your thoughts and feelings affect the way you communicate, the other persons thoughts and feelings will affect how they interpret the message. For example "dork' is a common phrase that my family and I use as an endearing term. To us it is a loving and humorous label for someone who is being funny and silly. However, as I have discovered over recent years, to other people the term means something completely different and has a negative connotation. Talk about oops. This interpretation process can often cause miscommunication.

Which leads me into my third point that we discussed in class. The value of summarizing or paraphrasing what the other person back at them. In other words give them your interpretation of their words and also ask for their interpretation of your words. This might seem awkward at first but I think you will find it really helps to make sure that you and the person you are communicating with are on the same page.

Fourth, we need to become attentive listeners, and watchers. When someone is talking pay attention to what they are saying. Not one what you want to say back or jumping to conclusions. Rather really pay attention to what they are saying as well as watch what their body language and tone are telling you.

Finally, I would like to emphasis the importance of communicating to the other that you understood. People want and need intimacy with others and part of that intimacy comes from the knowledge that you are understood and appreciated. Let people know when you understand what they are feeling and thinking and empathize with them.

This is not always easy, especially since after so many arguments and miscommunication things tend to escalate quickly. We can sometimes get caught up in our desire and need to be understood that we don't consider that same need in others. Sometimes it takes one brave soul out of the two to step forward and strive to understand first in order to break the cycle before the two of you can start to communicate properly.

That is it for now. I could really go into the topic of online communication and all the issues we run into there buuuuuuuuut, I feel that is a whole other topic we could discuss for a while.

Thank you for reading,
Sapphire

No More Sex Education....We Need Relationship Education

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying we need to do away with sex education. I think it is important that teenagers learn about sex safety and responsibility.  However we need to take it a step further. Along with sex education we need to have relationship education. We need to let children and teenagers know what good, healthy relationships look like. How to maintain good relationships. Ways to express affection without having to turn to the extreme of sex. And the funny thing is, this can start at a fairly young age.

Of course I am not suggesting we give toddlers early elementary schoolers “The Talk” But there are ways that you can teach them about human relationships. But young children are sponges. They are constantly observing and absorbing everything from the world around them. They will pick up on things quite easily. So it should come as little surprise that they start noticing the differences between girls and boys. Not only can they see it there is plenty evidence to support that females and males are wired differently. Even infants, who had had next to know influence from the world on gender roles, show differences in behavior. We need to be open with children about the differences and not brush it aside. Also don’t overreact when children discover parts of their or other bodies. If you freak out, they will freak out and it will make them more likely to dwell on it. Instead address it calmly and inform them about what is appropriate and what is not in a way that they will understand.

However, at this stage, I think the most important thing we can do for our children is developing warm, respectful, close and loving relationships with our children. I don’t know about you but I would much rather my child come to me when they have a questions about sex or other important matters rather than the internet or their friends. If we develop close relationships with them when they are young, investing in a bank account of trust, and work to maintain that relationship. They are for more likely to come to us when they have questions than if there is a strained relationship.

As they get older teach them how to build good relationships with friends. Learning to cooperate with them, to talk and communicate, to be reliable and have trust, are all important parts of any relationships. The best way to teach this, or any principle, is through your own example. Letting your children see how you keep good relationships with other people.

Let them know how to treat others well and what behavior is and is not okay for people to treat them.

As they get older and start become more interested in deeper relationships then it is time to move a step up. Usually a little bit before. Again be open with them. Let them know before they puberty some of the things they will be experiencing so they are not taken off guard or worried about it. Teach them how to set boundaries, for themselves and for others.

There was one thing in our class reading that I would like to end with. Is the formula for success. Thousands of studies show that individuals are far more likely to live happy, fulfilled, successful lives if they follow a simple formula. Education, marriage, sex, children. In that order. Teen mothers and fathers are far more likely to struggle financially if they have a child out of wed lock. A mother who has a child out of wed lock is a lot less likely to be married. An education, even if just finishing high school, is far better than no education. Though it is becoming an increasingly old fashioned and unpopular idea the best way to guarantee that there are no children outside of wedlock is to wait until you are married. Every child has the right to be born in a family with a mother and father who love each other, love the child and are committed to their family.

Staying Close to a Spouse

I am not sure I could pin point when I first wanted to be a mother. I knew I wanted a baby by the time I was 14 but I think my desire to be a mother goes back a lot farther than that. By the time I was 17 I, foolishly, felt that I could take care of a baby better than most. Since then my knowledge about babies and children and how they grow and develop have only broadened. Though I feel parenthood is one of those things you can never be completely prepared for, I still feel capable of being a good mother.

However there is another something I feel like you can never be completely prepared for that, for me, has to come before having babies. And that is getting married and being a wife. I am far more confident in my ability to be a mother than I am in my ability to be a wife. One of my friends once warned me that I would have to be careful not to forget about my husband in the process of raising my children. This was brought to the forefront of my mind as we studied marriage and problems that newlywed couples face. There are a few things that were either brought up or that I thought of that I, as well as many others, can use to keep our relationships strong with our spouse.

One: Set good habits early.

One thing we discussed in class was that whatever habits you set in the beginning of relationship, including dating, can carry on through the rest of the relationship. By setting good, healthy habits early, they are likely to help strengthen the relationship throughout the years. Some of these could be making sure to go on paid, planned dates regularly. Not just “hanging out” but actually going out. Another example is the dividing of house hold chores.

Two: Talking things through before the marriage.

Going into a marriage as a contract is nothing new. After all we sign a license before we get married and many weddings have a set of promises, vows or expectations that go along with the marriage. However there are often some expectations that do not get voiced. What will be the roles of the two spouses? Who will mainly be in charge of the children? When will children be brought into the family? What to do about in-laws? These are just a few of the many questions that should be discussed before a marriage so a couple are on the same page.

Three: Together

A marriage is a partnership. Working together to create and make a family work. To keep close you need to do things together. Yes there is an importance to having some of your own down time, but there are many things that can and should be done together. Working out finances together. Raising children together. As mentioned earlier, going on dates together. Doing chores and completing tasks together.

Four: Communication

Another habit to set early in the relationship. Letting each other know what is going on with ourselves, both internally and externally. Our teacher shared a story about a couple who was getting married soon and were confident because they “talked all the time.” But after a while it became clear that it was only one of them talking to the other. Communication needs to be coming from both sides.

There have been more things that I have come up with that are more on a personal basis. Making sure I am there to kiss my husband when he comes home. Learning how to make his favorite dish. Paying attention when he needs something that I can give to him as a gift. Doing nice things for him even when I don’t need to. Become involved and interested in the things he is.

I am sure there will be many things I need to work on but, honestly, for the first time I am looking forward to the challenge rather than dreading it.

Plunging Into the Dating Pool

Hello my dear readers, the topic for today is (drumroll) dating and relationships! How appropriate for Valentines Day week.

The text book we ready in my class gave a brief overview of the way that courtship has changed over the years. For many, many years, marriages were arranged affairs, often with an agenda in mind. Joining to families or countries. Marrying up in the social hierarchy. To carry on a family line or money. Love did not actually come into the picture for a long, long time and when it did it was consider mostly a frivolous, courtly affair among royals. Now look what has happened. Love has become one of the soul reasons, if not the only one, that couple decide to marry. Yes there are still many countries that have arranged marriages but for many it is for love that you marry someone.

Hey, I am not arguing. Like so many others I too dream of marrying for love. I imagine falling in love with my best friend and being with him for eternity.

However, especially after this week’s study of dating and courtship, I do not believe that love alone is enough to determine whether a relationship will last or whether it will slowly erode away over the years.

So what does it take? With divorces seeming to be more frequent and marriages less so as cohabitation and single parenting becomes more common. What kind of people are you more likely to form a connection with? Here are just a few that we have discussed and one in particular that I want to point out.

One factor is a word I have never heard before in my life but the concept makes sense at least. The word is: Propinquity. Try and say that ten times fast. Basically Propinquity is the state of being close. Either to something or someone but in this case we will use it as someone. You are more likely to get together with someone who lives close to you rather than someone who lives far. In all honesty it is not hard to see why. When you live close together you can see each other more often. Talk and communicate. You are more likely to share similar backgrounds and have shared experiences. There is also the better chances of you meeting. This can be in home towns, at work, at school and so on.

Of course this by no means that things will be smoother because you have lived closer together. After all every family and ever individual is different. Everyone has their own views and expectations and when two people come together all of that either clicks or collides, mostly a mixture of both.

Another factor usually involved in attraction. There is physical attraction and attraction to someone’s personality. One often affects the other. The amount of physical attraction can make their personality traits seem more attractive and vise versa.

Alright so we have proximity, we have the initial attraction which makes people take notice of each other. Hmmmmm…..what comes next. Oh right. Actually getting together more. Hanging out to casual dating. Casual to exclusive (or courtship if we want to be fancy about it). An exclusive to marriage. Or cohabitation. That or a break up interrupts it somewhere but we won’t focus on that today.

So, assuming that the relationship followed through to the end…..or rather the beginning, whatever your view. How do you make sure it sticks?

Now I am not marriage counselor. I am only taking a few family classes in college and I have never been in a serious relationship. But from what I have learned so far, through class, observation and experience, there are three things that I have found fundamental to making any relationship to work.

One is communication. I have often people say they broke up or get a divorce because they simply do not love each other anymore. So continually talk to each other. Keeping the lines of communication open and free between two partners is vital. Not only does this prevent misunderstandings but it also helps both to continue to get to know each other. Everyone is always changing. Often in small amounts but there is always something more to learn about a person. Continue to learn about your partner.

Two, shared goals. There is going to be times when you do not agree. Arguments or disputes are kind of unavoidable with how much peoples view often differs. There are even times when you outright dislike each other. But if you have shared goals, then they can help you stick with it and work things out until the opposition fades and the love returns once more.

This final one is one I saw in my house so many times growing up. Service. Doing something for the one you care about. Even, or perhaps especially, when you are not happy with them. I do not believe marriage to be a 50/50 deal. Yes I do believe that any relationship needs to have both members invested but 100%. There will be time when one falls short, but if each continues to give that 100% you will  have plenty stored up for when you run into those hard times.

Alright that is it for tonight. Have a wonderful weekend. Until next time.