Say What You Need to Say

I cannot remember when I first heard the song Say What You Need to Say by John Mayer (I actually just had to look up the musician because I had no idea). But I do remember doing a endurance run in high school and my teacher putting it up as we were running around and around and around the gym. Maybe it was the fact that I was listening to it while was I doing so physically exhausting or maybe it is just the song but I discovered that the song was annoying. However I get a good laugh every time it comes one because when it gets to the seemingly endless repetition of the phrase "Say what you need to say" I will always, inevitable say. "I would if you would shut up long enough."

Yeah I know, maybe not the most mature response, but hey, take the laughs were you can.

In many ways I feel communication goes like this for many people. We get so caught up in saying what we need to say that we forget to not only listen to others but also to strive to understand. One of the top reasons for marriage problems is because of centered around or caused by lack of good, healthy communication. Now I won't dwell too much on that part because we are intimately aware of such difficulties, however I will put forward some of the ideas we discussed that I think would really help people communicate.

The first point is to keep in mind that only 14% of our communication is coming through actual words that are processed and heard. The rest is communicated through nonverbal cues such as body language and tone. You could be saying one thing while your body and tone says something completely different. I am sure many of you had heard the classic response of someone saying "I am fine," when their manner says they are anything but. I feel this is not only important for us to look for in others so we can see past the words but also that we can watch out own. Communication is hard enough without us saying or sending messages we don't mean. To take that song line from earlier I would suggest we need to say what we mean to say.

Second, the way you say or communicate your points is only half of the process. The other person receiving and processing that message is the other half. You can convey a message in the exact way that you meant to but unless the other person interprets it that way, they will receive a different message. Part of this is because, just as your thoughts and feelings affect the way you communicate, the other persons thoughts and feelings will affect how they interpret the message. For example "dork' is a common phrase that my family and I use as an endearing term. To us it is a loving and humorous label for someone who is being funny and silly. However, as I have discovered over recent years, to other people the term means something completely different and has a negative connotation. Talk about oops. This interpretation process can often cause miscommunication.

Which leads me into my third point that we discussed in class. The value of summarizing or paraphrasing what the other person back at them. In other words give them your interpretation of their words and also ask for their interpretation of your words. This might seem awkward at first but I think you will find it really helps to make sure that you and the person you are communicating with are on the same page.

Fourth, we need to become attentive listeners, and watchers. When someone is talking pay attention to what they are saying. Not one what you want to say back or jumping to conclusions. Rather really pay attention to what they are saying as well as watch what their body language and tone are telling you.

Finally, I would like to emphasis the importance of communicating to the other that you understood. People want and need intimacy with others and part of that intimacy comes from the knowledge that you are understood and appreciated. Let people know when you understand what they are feeling and thinking and empathize with them.

This is not always easy, especially since after so many arguments and miscommunication things tend to escalate quickly. We can sometimes get caught up in our desire and need to be understood that we don't consider that same need in others. Sometimes it takes one brave soul out of the two to step forward and strive to understand first in order to break the cycle before the two of you can start to communicate properly.

That is it for now. I could really go into the topic of online communication and all the issues we run into there buuuuuuuuut, I feel that is a whole other topic we could discuss for a while.

Thank you for reading,
Sapphire