Staying Close to a Spouse

I am not sure I could pin point when I first wanted to be a mother. I knew I wanted a baby by the time I was 14 but I think my desire to be a mother goes back a lot farther than that. By the time I was 17 I, foolishly, felt that I could take care of a baby better than most. Since then my knowledge about babies and children and how they grow and develop have only broadened. Though I feel parenthood is one of those things you can never be completely prepared for, I still feel capable of being a good mother.

However there is another something I feel like you can never be completely prepared for that, for me, has to come before having babies. And that is getting married and being a wife. I am far more confident in my ability to be a mother than I am in my ability to be a wife. One of my friends once warned me that I would have to be careful not to forget about my husband in the process of raising my children. This was brought to the forefront of my mind as we studied marriage and problems that newlywed couples face. There are a few things that were either brought up or that I thought of that I, as well as many others, can use to keep our relationships strong with our spouse.

One: Set good habits early.

One thing we discussed in class was that whatever habits you set in the beginning of relationship, including dating, can carry on through the rest of the relationship. By setting good, healthy habits early, they are likely to help strengthen the relationship throughout the years. Some of these could be making sure to go on paid, planned dates regularly. Not just “hanging out” but actually going out. Another example is the dividing of house hold chores.

Two: Talking things through before the marriage.

Going into a marriage as a contract is nothing new. After all we sign a license before we get married and many weddings have a set of promises, vows or expectations that go along with the marriage. However there are often some expectations that do not get voiced. What will be the roles of the two spouses? Who will mainly be in charge of the children? When will children be brought into the family? What to do about in-laws? These are just a few of the many questions that should be discussed before a marriage so a couple are on the same page.

Three: Together

A marriage is a partnership. Working together to create and make a family work. To keep close you need to do things together. Yes there is an importance to having some of your own down time, but there are many things that can and should be done together. Working out finances together. Raising children together. As mentioned earlier, going on dates together. Doing chores and completing tasks together.

Four: Communication

Another habit to set early in the relationship. Letting each other know what is going on with ourselves, both internally and externally. Our teacher shared a story about a couple who was getting married soon and were confident because they “talked all the time.” But after a while it became clear that it was only one of them talking to the other. Communication needs to be coming from both sides.

There have been more things that I have come up with that are more on a personal basis. Making sure I am there to kiss my husband when he comes home. Learning how to make his favorite dish. Paying attention when he needs something that I can give to him as a gift. Doing nice things for him even when I don’t need to. Become involved and interested in the things he is.

I am sure there will be many things I need to work on but, honestly, for the first time I am looking forward to the challenge rather than dreading it.

Plunging Into the Dating Pool

Hello my dear readers, the topic for today is (drumroll) dating and relationships! How appropriate for Valentines Day week.

The text book we ready in my class gave a brief overview of the way that courtship has changed over the years. For many, many years, marriages were arranged affairs, often with an agenda in mind. Joining to families or countries. Marrying up in the social hierarchy. To carry on a family line or money. Love did not actually come into the picture for a long, long time and when it did it was consider mostly a frivolous, courtly affair among royals. Now look what has happened. Love has become one of the soul reasons, if not the only one, that couple decide to marry. Yes there are still many countries that have arranged marriages but for many it is for love that you marry someone.

Hey, I am not arguing. Like so many others I too dream of marrying for love. I imagine falling in love with my best friend and being with him for eternity.

However, especially after this week’s study of dating and courtship, I do not believe that love alone is enough to determine whether a relationship will last or whether it will slowly erode away over the years.

So what does it take? With divorces seeming to be more frequent and marriages less so as cohabitation and single parenting becomes more common. What kind of people are you more likely to form a connection with? Here are just a few that we have discussed and one in particular that I want to point out.

One factor is a word I have never heard before in my life but the concept makes sense at least. The word is: Propinquity. Try and say that ten times fast. Basically Propinquity is the state of being close. Either to something or someone but in this case we will use it as someone. You are more likely to get together with someone who lives close to you rather than someone who lives far. In all honesty it is not hard to see why. When you live close together you can see each other more often. Talk and communicate. You are more likely to share similar backgrounds and have shared experiences. There is also the better chances of you meeting. This can be in home towns, at work, at school and so on.

Of course this by no means that things will be smoother because you have lived closer together. After all every family and ever individual is different. Everyone has their own views and expectations and when two people come together all of that either clicks or collides, mostly a mixture of both.

Another factor usually involved in attraction. There is physical attraction and attraction to someone’s personality. One often affects the other. The amount of physical attraction can make their personality traits seem more attractive and vise versa.

Alright so we have proximity, we have the initial attraction which makes people take notice of each other. Hmmmmm…..what comes next. Oh right. Actually getting together more. Hanging out to casual dating. Casual to exclusive (or courtship if we want to be fancy about it). An exclusive to marriage. Or cohabitation. That or a break up interrupts it somewhere but we won’t focus on that today.

So, assuming that the relationship followed through to the end…..or rather the beginning, whatever your view. How do you make sure it sticks?

Now I am not marriage counselor. I am only taking a few family classes in college and I have never been in a serious relationship. But from what I have learned so far, through class, observation and experience, there are three things that I have found fundamental to making any relationship to work.

One is communication. I have often people say they broke up or get a divorce because they simply do not love each other anymore. So continually talk to each other. Keeping the lines of communication open and free between two partners is vital. Not only does this prevent misunderstandings but it also helps both to continue to get to know each other. Everyone is always changing. Often in small amounts but there is always something more to learn about a person. Continue to learn about your partner.

Two, shared goals. There is going to be times when you do not agree. Arguments or disputes are kind of unavoidable with how much peoples view often differs. There are even times when you outright dislike each other. But if you have shared goals, then they can help you stick with it and work things out until the opposition fades and the love returns once more.

This final one is one I saw in my house so many times growing up. Service. Doing something for the one you care about. Even, or perhaps especially, when you are not happy with them. I do not believe marriage to be a 50/50 deal. Yes I do believe that any relationship needs to have both members invested but 100%. There will be time when one falls short, but if each continues to give that 100% you will  have plenty stored up for when you run into those hard times.

Alright that is it for tonight. Have a wonderful weekend. Until next time.

Equity and Gender

My junior year of college I completed my literacy practicum at one of the local elementary schools. We were there to apply the principles that we had been learning in our literacy classes in order to help children learn how to read and write. One of my classmates and myself were assigned to a kindergarten teacher who was not much older than we were. Although we did not do much direct instruct in regards to reading, I have never been in a kindergarten classroom that I thought was more developmentally appropriate for children. Every day the children would work at centers. These centers were a variety of activities to help children learn something. A few of the activities could be numbers. The others were letters. Some were life skills and others were a mix in between all of them. Each geared to help teach the children many different ways.

To some this might seem like a waste of time, energy and resources. Would it not be far more efficient to just have one or two activities that teach one principle?

NOPE!

Efficient, maybe, but effective. Not likely. Anyone who has interacted with children……wait, no, scratch that….anyone who has interacted with PEOPLE know that no two people are exactly alike. We all have different skin, eye and hair color. We all have different personalities. We all think different thoughts. We all have different likes and dislikes. So it should come of little surprise to know that the way we each learn is different as well.

What this kindergarten teacher was doing was making sure each child was able to learn in the way that they learn best. They were receiving an equitable education. No equity does not mean the same as equal. A post by Shane Safir defined both in simple terms that I feel explains them well. “If equality means giving everyone the same resources, equity means giving each student access to the resources they need to learn and thrive.”

So what does this have to do with gender?

I am glad you asked.

Gender is yet another one of the many traits that sets us apart. Yes, ladies and gentleman, females and males, men and women, boys and girls, the two sexes are different. And yes I say two because regardless of what gender you identify with or call yourself children are born into this world, except for one or two very, very rare exceptions, as either male or female.

There, now to further express my opinion on the controversial topic, yes, I do believe that man and woman are equal. I do not think that means we are the same. I do believe in equal opportunity however I believe it is important to acknowledge our limitations as well as our strengths.

Because of the way men and woman’s brains are wired, not only to we think differently. We learn differently. If we truly want to be able to give both men and woman equal opportunity we need to teach them differently. The first step to that is to acknowledge that the two are different. For example men, because of the way they think and the process, tend to be better at math. This does not mean girls cannot be but statistics of SAT and ACT scores do show that males tend to get higher scores. Well, at least male learn math better the way we traditionally teach it. A few schools have tried math classes just for girls and have found they are far more likely to truly learn when they are working together in a group.

Of course there are exceptions in every case. Just as I started out saying, every child is different. That includes gender. I feel that as a society by refusing to acknowledge our differences and use our own unique strengths because of it, we are holding ourselves back as a society.

What Makes a Culture Valid or Invalid?

Okay, okay, please don’t bite my head off for this one. I know this is a controversial topic.  Hey, I am study family, which has been the main topic in controversy for the past couple years. But it was an interesting question posed in one of my classes this week. Is there such think as valid or invalid cultures? I was honestly a little taken aback by the question. Since a young age I was fascinated by other cultures, especially ancient ones. Culture is part of identity. It creates rich and amazing variety in our world. In a world that is striving to be more and more accepting of walks in life, is there such thing as a valid culture?

Well first let’s address what culture is? It is more than race. The clothes that are worn. The language that is spoken. Culture is interwoven into so many aspects of a group and has so many layers it can be often difficult to discern what aspects are part of a collective culture or not. Culture is the customs, rituals, rules and traditions of a society. Culture even goes as deep as philosophy, the way people think about and view the world around them.

Valid is for something to have sound basis in logic and fact. To have reason.

Are there some cultures that are not reasonable?

Yes, honestly, I think there are.

The family is what I base my value of a society on. I believe that the family is “the fundamental unit of society.” (The Family a Proclamation to the World). As such that is what I base my ideas on whether or not a culture is valid is by asking a question. Does that culture, promote, protect and strengthen the family?

Throughout this week, in a few of my classes, we studied cultures and its effects on families. I was curious about whether or not any culture, based on my question, was better than all the others. If there was a culture that validated and promoted the family the way that I see it. I was a little disappointed to find that there was not one culture that seem to satisfy me. Yes, there were many parts of different cultures that I thought were amazing in their regards to family. One culture emphasizes the importance of the mother in the home. Another the importance of having a father in the home. Many of them shared good ideals. However, in each culture, I would often find an idea that affected a family in ways I felt were harmful. My teacher actually said in class “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just take part of this culture here, a part of that culture there and put it all together to create the ideal culture?”

I am not saying that every culture, that every people needs to be the same. I feel that the traditions and rituals often performed by a group of people often creates unity. In family, in a community, and then in society as a whole. However, there are some practices I feel that either distract or detract from the family. In the US today, for example, a cultural norm has become the idea that it is better to become established in a career before you get married. Or at least before you have children. As a result it often causes people to put their jobs and money before their family members causes great harm.

One of the hardest things to acknowledge this week was that the perfect culture that puts the family at its center does not exist. At least not perfectly yet. It is an ideal. A standard. A utopia many are striving to reach for, but with so many ideas and paths to follow I am afraid we all become a little lost in the search.

Everyone is of course entitled to their own opinion and have the freedom to make their choices. In my opinion there is a document, presented in 1995 by the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints, that perfectly lays out the ideals of the family. I believe once the ideal of family is firmly understood for what it is meant to be, only then can a culture or society center itself around it.

 The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Tik Tok Goes the Family Clock

Now I don’t know about you guys but when I hear the word system what usually comes to mind is some kind of assembly line. A machine. At the very most a series of routines that a company or group has in order to get through certain situations. But have you ever thought as the family as a system? A series of interwoven pieces that are all connected. One cannot move without affecting the others and, a lot of the time, if one piece breaks down or is misplaced, the entire thing can break down. That or it needs to be rebuilt in such a way that it can function without it’s missing piece.

Wow. Not sure where that came from. My fingers are doing the talking at the moment more than I am. Anyway, that is what we have discussed in my family systems class for the last week. Basically there are two types of families. A highly integrated family and an unintegrated family. An integrated family, is the family that is close knit. They have rules both spoken and unspoken, rituals, and traditions. The unintegrated family well…..it lacks those characteristics. The family does not usually function as a unit but rather as individual pieces.

My family is a pretty good example of a integrated family. We had rules, rituals and traditions. Some of them were openly addressed or spoken of, some of them were not. For class one of the challenges were to write down rules that we could remember from our family, both ones that were openly taught and ones that were silent in other ways. Hmmmm, let me see if I can think of some good examples. A known and addressed rule in my family was, no curfew. As long as we let Mom and Dad know where we were, who we were with and what we were doing we were fine. I am sure if any of us had pushed those boundaries, such as staying out all night on school nights of being out multiple nights in a row those rules would have been added on but that was the rule. An unspoken rule was, as kids, if you were sick, you slept on the couch. Honestly this was not something I really thought of, it was something we just did. Only later did I realize that we did it so we could be close to Mom since her and Dad’s room was just on the other side of the living room wall. She was never far away.

As for rituals and traditions, there are the more common ones. Holiday and birthday traditions. But have you ever stopped to think of the ones that are not outright acknowledged. For example the way some families do their morning routine. Who goes first? Many members of a family brush their teeth in similar ways because they learned it from each other.

For these unaddressed or unspoken rules much of the way we learn them is through feedback. Often times this feedback is not spoken. Sometimes the person giving the feedback might not even be aware that they are doing it. They are simply unconsciously imitating behavior that was shown to them. For example a disproving look when someone steps out of line. A clearing of the throat. In my family, it was silence. I am not even sure how this got started but much of the time, when we became upset for some reason or another, we went silent. Not sure it was the healthiest method of dealing with things but it is what we did.

Now the thing that we need to be careful about with these unspoken rules is called pathological communication. A way of telling a rule that can easily be misunderstood. For example if a teacher says there are no such thing as stupid questions, but when a student asks a question that the teacher thinks is not credible she will huff, roll her eyes and tap her foot in impatient. She says one thing but her body language, the pathological communication is saying another. To put this in a family setting a father might tell his children it is not okay to hit but goes home and hits mom when he is drunk. Often times the message that we do NOT intend to send speaks louder than the ones we do.

All these rules, rituals and traditions, it is what binds the family together. Makes them move as a unit rather than simple, wayward pieces. Of course this does not mean that there is no individuality within the unit, it just means that, often times, they are interconnected. What one pieces does, affects the other.

Until next time my readers,