The Step Challenge

No, this is not some blog post about one of the numerous battles to lose weight and have better health. Today’s blog is about step-families.

I was pretty young when I was first presented with the reality that not everyone came from a traditional family. I cannot remember if it was a play or some other production that the local high school was putting on. In front of us sat a familiar woman, my school lunch lady. A very happy, older woman with a sweet personality who know me by name and always gave me a smile. Next to her, in the seat right in front of me was a girl about my age. I ended up talking to her and found out she called the woman Mom even though the woman looked the same age as my grandma and the man sitting on the little girls other side, who looked the same age as my grandpa, she called dad. Now, not being a very tactful and very inquisitive child I did not hesitate to ask about it and the girl explained they were her grandma and grandpa but they were the ones who took care of her and so, to her, they were Mom and Dad. It blew my mind and I am sure I thoroughly embarrassed my parents as I continued to bombard her with an endless stream of personal questions about her “real” parents.

Though I am more than a little chagrinned looking back on the incident I am still grateful for it. It was the first time that my idea of family was challenged. Making me realize that “family” could mean something more than biological parents and siblings. Of course I hardly grasped the concept then but when I did I would always think back at that time.

With every passing year a set definition of family has become more and more vague. There are many kinds of families. Grandparents raising their grandchild or grandchildren. A mother raising her children alone. A man raising his children alone. Two men. Two women. Parents who adopted their child. Older siblings raising their younger siblings. The list is endless. Another type of family that has become increasingly common and was part of our discussion in class this week was the blended family. Step families. Mixed families.

Clifford J. Sager in his book called “Treating the Remarried Family,” defines the remarried family as one or both of the partners in the relationship having been married previously. We spent a brief period of time mapping different types of remarried family and it becomes complicated very quickly. Especially when there are children involved. Often times there are more than two sets of grandparents and extended family. Then there are step parents, parents, siblings, step siblings and half siblings.

Still, despite the complications and challenges that a step family often faces does not mean they cannot be as close and functional as any other family. In class we discussed a couple points that can help step families.

One is to have patience. My teacher pointed out that it takes at least 2 years for a blended family to settle into any real sense of normalcy. It takes going through the new daily routines dozens of times before the combined families, who previously had a different way of doing things, to find an avenue that works for both of them. Also there are the holidays and birthdays that need to be gone through at least a couple times before those can feel normal as well.

Another idea we discussed was the role of the step parent. It is not the step parent’s job, nor should it be their job, the deal out the heavy discipline that is sometimes needed throughout the growing years. Because the step children have a tendency to perceive discipline differently from a step parent. Even if the child does not know at the time when they get older and find out they can look back on memories and interpret them differently because of the new knowledge. Another role of the step parent is not to replace the biological parent in some cases but rather be there as another support like a great aunt or uncle.

Finally we discussed that remarried couple’s need to be sure to council with each other even more often than those who have not been divorced. They also need to be committed to each other. A previous marriage and the divorce that ended it can create a lot of baggage that people tend to carry over into their next relationship. If they do not resolve those issues or work through them together than chances are that the new marriage could fail as well.

Well that is all for now, hope you are having a great spring

Keep smiling

Sapphire.

To Spank or Not to Spank

If you look up pretty much any topic related to families most likely you will run into a storm of controversy. In a world that has become so connected through the use of modern technology cultural ways and norms that used to be unknown to others are now public knowledge. So it is unsurprising that you would have a wide range and often opposing views on many issues. Family being only one of them. Spanking and punishment in general is no exception. For a few years now there has been a lot and sometimes outright heated debate about spanking.

I have been able to experience both sides of the controversy first hand. Having come from small town where there were many traditional views, spanking was among them. However there were also new people who moved into the valley and they brought with them new ideas. But only when I truly started working in child care did I receive the knowledge I felt I needed in order to decide where I stood.

For both personal and academic based reasons I do not believe that spanking or other forms of corporal punishment are the best practices to use in order to raise children to the healthy, whole and caring individuals that we all hope them to be. Deep down the idea never set well with me. However I did not have the specific knowledge I needed in order to fully explain why. I still feel there is much I would like to research on the topic but I feel I have learned enough to share my ideas more readily.

Now I do not write this to judge anyone or even try to demand that people think the way I do on the topic. I simply hope to be able to explain what I feel and think. I also hope to prompt others to think more deeply about their own thoughts on the topic so they can research from themselves and form their own opinion. Not my opinion, or the opinions of those they respect or their parents. But their own.

Today I will address why I do not believe spanking to be a good idea and in the future, after doing more research, will provide alternatives to spanking and/or ways to avoid it.

My Research

I went in search of a peer review article that could tell me what the effects of spanking were on children with valid research to back it up. It took me a long time but I finally found an article which took good research and summarized it to make it more understandable. The article was written by Gershoff, Elizabeth T. According to Wikipedia she is a professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas in Austin. She is fairly well known for her research on corporal punishment and its effects on a child’s wellbeing.  There are several ideas she addressed that I found interesting.

The Persistence of Spanking as a Parenting Tool

The world and society is ever changing in many ways. Families and parenting is no exception. Despite the fact that we have left many traditions behind spanking is one of the ones that we cannot seem to shake. Some of the reasons for this is because of tradition and the ideas that the society around us instill. But the main reason that she points out and I have noticed myself is that it is something that our parents used. Parenting is not easy and can be downright frustrating if not downright terrifying. When faced with such a situation parents tend to fall back on what they know. Parenting the way their parents parented.

I have seen this many times and have even experienced it as I have found myself imitating my parents when dealing with young children. In many ways this can be a good thing. A way to preserve family value and tradition. To allow the rising generations to be aware of and proud of their heritage. However we cannot afford to always repeat the past or we become stuck.

A phrase I often hear is “Well my parents spanked and my siblings and I turned out fine. So spanking cannot be all the bad.” I am not satisfied with that. I do not want to raise my children to be as good as me, I want them to be better. Which means being open to new ideas. To look at the ideas that were planted in my childhood and decide what I want to carry on in my own family and what needs to be left behind.

The Effects of Spanking

Spanking is generally done the most during a child’s early years. Typically from ages 1-8 or older depending on the family. From development in the womb to about age five a child’s brain is growing faster than it will at any other point in life. Because of this everything the child experiences profoundly impacts the construction of their brain and their perception of the world. So it should come as little surprise that spanking would also effect the child’s development.

Gershoff outlines some of the effects that I saw from multiple studies.

Intended Effects

Of course parents rarely if ever spank for no reason. I also know that almost all parents are eagerly waiting around for an excuse to spank their child. Spanking is usually a last resort with the hope to create desirable outcomes.

One of the effects parents usually intend with spanking is compliance. Both in the short term and in the long term. They want their children to stop exhibiting some kind of undesirable behavior and start showing more positive traits. One of the most common behaviors that parents hope to eliminate is aggressive behavior toward other children that has been or can be harmful.

However, ironically, the intended effects are not often achieved.

Unintended Effects

In another study I read in the Children & Youth Services Review written by Shawna J. Lee, Catherine A. Taylor, Inna Altschul and Janet C. Riced show that spanking often creates the opposite effect that parents intent. It makes the children more aggressive. Regardless whether it is father or mother inflicting the corporal punishment and often even if mothers had a warm, nurturing nature at other times, children who were spanked would still show more aggression to their peers.

And why wouldn’t they? Children of young ages are just becoming aware of themselves. A stage called egocentrism. They think mainly about their wants and their needs and they encounter many barriers, usually parents that stand in the way of them getting what they want. When parents use force, spanking, in order to make the child do what they want, the child quickly figures out that aggression and control will get them what they want.

There are a few more effects that corporal punishment has that Gershoff points out. Some of them could be harder to accept and are heart breaking.

One is unintended injury and/or abuse to the child. Parents are much stronger than children and sometimes, in a fit of anger or frustration, could hurt the child without meaning too. Despite the many terrible news headlines we read these days rarely is this on purpose but it is a terrible occurrence for all those involved.

Another mental health issues. Studies have shown that “the more frequently or severely children are spanked or hit, the more likely they are to have symptoms of depression or anxiety, both at the time they are corporally punished and in the future.” (Gershoff, 2010) Being spanked is not a pleasant experience for a child and can even be traumatic. They become wary of it happening again and more so if it does.  Spanking also does not give the child the impression that they are loved by the parent and can cause depression.

Which leads into another effect. Spanking can cause a rift in the close and vital bond between a child and their parent or parents. It can erode trust and the security the child feels toward that parent. Making them uncertain and withdrawn.

Conclusion

Much of these findings I was already aware of on some level. Not only have I heard and read bits and pieces of information here and there throughout the years but I have also observed the evidence of it firsthand. What is most heart breaking to me is not the spanking itself but that it is unnecessary. We now have the knowledge and tools that there are other forms of parenting that we can use in order to guide our children to be responsible and caring adults.

I will be writing more on some of these methods later. Until then here are some quick suggestions.

• ·         Take a child development course. Even teenagers who take a child development course long before they become parents to better if they have more knowledge and understand how children’s minds work.
• ·         Before you say or so something to your child ask yourself if it is something you would want done to you.
• ·         Read:

o   No: Why Kids – of All Ages – Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh, PhD and

o   Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

Please feel free to make comments and ask questions which I will do my best to answer.

Keep smiling,

Sapphire

References 

Gershoff, E. T. (2010). MORE HARM THAN GOOD: A SUMMARY OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH ON THE INTENDED AND UNINTENDED EFFECTS OF CORPORAL PUNISHMENT ON CHILDREN. Law & Contemporary Problems, 73(2), 31-56.

Kohn, A. (2006). Unconditional parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason. New York: Atria Books.

Lee, S. J., Taylor, C. A., Altschul, I., & Rice, J. C. (2013). Parental spanking and subsequent risk for child aggression in father-involved families of young children. Children & Youth Services Review, 35(9), 1476-1485. doi:10.1016/j.childyouth.2013.05.016

Walsh, D. A. (2007). No: Why kids--of all ages--need to hear it and ways parents can say it. New York: Free Press.