The Step Challenge

No, this is not some blog post about one of the numerous battles to lose weight and have better health. Today’s blog is about step-families.

I was pretty young when I was first presented with the reality that not everyone came from a traditional family. I cannot remember if it was a play or some other production that the local high school was putting on. In front of us sat a familiar woman, my school lunch lady. A very happy, older woman with a sweet personality who know me by name and always gave me a smile. Next to her, in the seat right in front of me was a girl about my age. I ended up talking to her and found out she called the woman Mom even though the woman looked the same age as my grandma and the man sitting on the little girls other side, who looked the same age as my grandpa, she called dad. Now, not being a very tactful and very inquisitive child I did not hesitate to ask about it and the girl explained they were her grandma and grandpa but they were the ones who took care of her and so, to her, they were Mom and Dad. It blew my mind and I am sure I thoroughly embarrassed my parents as I continued to bombard her with an endless stream of personal questions about her “real” parents.

Though I am more than a little chagrinned looking back on the incident I am still grateful for it. It was the first time that my idea of family was challenged. Making me realize that “family” could mean something more than biological parents and siblings. Of course I hardly grasped the concept then but when I did I would always think back at that time.

With every passing year a set definition of family has become more and more vague. There are many kinds of families. Grandparents raising their grandchild or grandchildren. A mother raising her children alone. A man raising his children alone. Two men. Two women. Parents who adopted their child. Older siblings raising their younger siblings. The list is endless. Another type of family that has become increasingly common and was part of our discussion in class this week was the blended family. Step families. Mixed families.

Clifford J. Sager in his book called “Treating the Remarried Family,” defines the remarried family as one or both of the partners in the relationship having been married previously. We spent a brief period of time mapping different types of remarried family and it becomes complicated very quickly. Especially when there are children involved. Often times there are more than two sets of grandparents and extended family. Then there are step parents, parents, siblings, step siblings and half siblings.

Still, despite the complications and challenges that a step family often faces does not mean they cannot be as close and functional as any other family. In class we discussed a couple points that can help step families.

One is to have patience. My teacher pointed out that it takes at least 2 years for a blended family to settle into any real sense of normalcy. It takes going through the new daily routines dozens of times before the combined families, who previously had a different way of doing things, to find an avenue that works for both of them. Also there are the holidays and birthdays that need to be gone through at least a couple times before those can feel normal as well.

Another idea we discussed was the role of the step parent. It is not the step parent’s job, nor should it be their job, the deal out the heavy discipline that is sometimes needed throughout the growing years. Because the step children have a tendency to perceive discipline differently from a step parent. Even if the child does not know at the time when they get older and find out they can look back on memories and interpret them differently because of the new knowledge. Another role of the step parent is not to replace the biological parent in some cases but rather be there as another support like a great aunt or uncle.

Finally we discussed that remarried couple’s need to be sure to council with each other even more often than those who have not been divorced. They also need to be committed to each other. A previous marriage and the divorce that ended it can create a lot of baggage that people tend to carry over into their next relationship. If they do not resolve those issues or work through them together than chances are that the new marriage could fail as well.

Well that is all for now, hope you are having a great spring

Keep smiling

Sapphire.