Plunging Into the Dating Pool

Hello my dear readers, the topic for today is (drumroll) dating and relationships! How appropriate for Valentines Day week.

The text book we ready in my class gave a brief overview of the way that courtship has changed over the years. For many, many years, marriages were arranged affairs, often with an agenda in mind. Joining to families or countries. Marrying up in the social hierarchy. To carry on a family line or money. Love did not actually come into the picture for a long, long time and when it did it was consider mostly a frivolous, courtly affair among royals. Now look what has happened. Love has become one of the soul reasons, if not the only one, that couple decide to marry. Yes there are still many countries that have arranged marriages but for many it is for love that you marry someone.

Hey, I am not arguing. Like so many others I too dream of marrying for love. I imagine falling in love with my best friend and being with him for eternity.

However, especially after this week’s study of dating and courtship, I do not believe that love alone is enough to determine whether a relationship will last or whether it will slowly erode away over the years.

So what does it take? With divorces seeming to be more frequent and marriages less so as cohabitation and single parenting becomes more common. What kind of people are you more likely to form a connection with? Here are just a few that we have discussed and one in particular that I want to point out.

One factor is a word I have never heard before in my life but the concept makes sense at least. The word is: Propinquity. Try and say that ten times fast. Basically Propinquity is the state of being close. Either to something or someone but in this case we will use it as someone. You are more likely to get together with someone who lives close to you rather than someone who lives far. In all honesty it is not hard to see why. When you live close together you can see each other more often. Talk and communicate. You are more likely to share similar backgrounds and have shared experiences. There is also the better chances of you meeting. This can be in home towns, at work, at school and so on.

Of course this by no means that things will be smoother because you have lived closer together. After all every family and ever individual is different. Everyone has their own views and expectations and when two people come together all of that either clicks or collides, mostly a mixture of both.

Another factor usually involved in attraction. There is physical attraction and attraction to someone’s personality. One often affects the other. The amount of physical attraction can make their personality traits seem more attractive and vise versa.

Alright so we have proximity, we have the initial attraction which makes people take notice of each other. Hmmmmm…..what comes next. Oh right. Actually getting together more. Hanging out to casual dating. Casual to exclusive (or courtship if we want to be fancy about it). An exclusive to marriage. Or cohabitation. That or a break up interrupts it somewhere but we won’t focus on that today.

So, assuming that the relationship followed through to the end…..or rather the beginning, whatever your view. How do you make sure it sticks?

Now I am not marriage counselor. I am only taking a few family classes in college and I have never been in a serious relationship. But from what I have learned so far, through class, observation and experience, there are three things that I have found fundamental to making any relationship to work.

One is communication. I have often people say they broke up or get a divorce because they simply do not love each other anymore. So continually talk to each other. Keeping the lines of communication open and free between two partners is vital. Not only does this prevent misunderstandings but it also helps both to continue to get to know each other. Everyone is always changing. Often in small amounts but there is always something more to learn about a person. Continue to learn about your partner.

Two, shared goals. There is going to be times when you do not agree. Arguments or disputes are kind of unavoidable with how much peoples view often differs. There are even times when you outright dislike each other. But if you have shared goals, then they can help you stick with it and work things out until the opposition fades and the love returns once more.

This final one is one I saw in my house so many times growing up. Service. Doing something for the one you care about. Even, or perhaps especially, when you are not happy with them. I do not believe marriage to be a 50/50 deal. Yes I do believe that any relationship needs to have both members invested but 100%. There will be time when one falls short, but if each continues to give that 100% you will  have plenty stored up for when you run into those hard times.

Alright that is it for tonight. Have a wonderful weekend. Until next time.